Has it really been this long since I wrote the Gymkata review? Sadly, there has been no recent influx of Gymkata related news, so there isn't much to add to this. Enjoy.
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Dec 5, 2005
GYMKATA!!!
"The skill of gymnastics... The kill of Karate..."
Movie: Gymkata
Genre: Martial Arts/Action
Greatness Factor: 9.1
My name is Ben, and I am a bad movie addict. I've seen some of the most extremely bad films ever produced and they continue to haunt my dreams to this day. One of these films is "Gymkata". Definitely a top 10 on the list of any bad movie addict like me. One of those movies that is so awful, it is simultaneously completely awesome. If you are brave and daring enough, you may want to consider finding a copy, then sitting down with a bottle of tequila and a revolver to face this monster of a movie.
In case you don't know, the word Gymkata describes the deadly cocktail of martial arts and olympic gymnastics that the main character played by Kurt Thomas (wearing MacGyver's mullet and Luke Skywalker's sweater), uses to defeat his enemies. Much of the training consists of climbing stairs on your hands. If you think that is a stupid idea, you are wrong. Dead wrong.
This movie has everything. An asian princess whose father is inexplicably caucasian, a deadly race with somewhat loose rules, indifferent Ninja referees, 1980's Geopolitical Intrigue, and a 1 on 500 battle with a town of mentally ill people feeling the fury that is Gymkata! There is also a lost father, a token asian martial artist who is killed by a large man named "Thorg" for no apparent reason, and many people being shot with arrows. Top it all off with randomly placed gymnastics equipment for our hero to use in times of trouble and you have one hell of a movie.
As a bonus, in case you are the type who forgets what the setting of a movie is, Gymkata is set in "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea", and believe me, they remind you of that fact enough times for you to never forget it. You see, Karabal will only let foreign nations use their land for military purposes if a representative wins a type of death race. The course is marked by ninjas whose sole purpose in life is to hold a flag up in one arm and occasionally kill people with the deadliest precision.
This movie is so great, I didn't write a full synopsis because it would spoil the greatness. Just go out and rent/buy/steal this movie now. Just don't take my copy or I will go Gymkata on your ass so fast... You will soon learn if you really are a bad movie fan, or just a pretender.
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My friend Chad commented:
Oh man, not only will I see that movie, I will learn the time tested art of Gymkata and kick some serious ass! But indifferent ninja referees? Ninjas aren't indifferent at anything. They kill everything with quick and complete silence. They have don't know what indifference is. I should know, being a ninja and all.
Showing posts with label Movie Reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movie Reviews. Show all posts
Friday, August 26, 2011
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Live for nothing, or die for the 80's.
Rambo 2008 is a horrible movie that is completely awesome. It is a throwback to the 1980's low-story, high body-count flicks such as Stallone's own "Cobra" and the masterwork of the genre, "Commando". (Note: AFI did not place Commando on their list of top 100 films of all time, proving they are a terrorist organization run by Communist Nazis who kill whales for fun by shooting baby seals from a cannon at them.)
It's tough to review this movie because on the level of "art" and storycraft, we'd be lucky to test at a 3rd grade special-ed level (though it is surprisingly well-shot.) On the visceral level of watching scores of baddies dispatched in the most violent (and manly) ways possible, the movie is in fact rocket science. The "rocket" in question being one fired from one person into another person, blasting them to a million beautiful pieces. Therefore, I give this movie a unprecedented 9.0 and 2.5 out of 10.
Basically, all you need to know is that Rambo is living in Thailand, there are some fascist thugs up river in Burma raping women, killing children, eating non-dolphin safe tuna, and voting Republican (probably). Some do-gooder Christian Missionaries catch a ride on Rambo's boat, but end up getting captured by aforementioned thugs. It's unclear exactly why Rambo decides to go after them after playing reluctant hero for the first section of the movie. It was either due to an exchange with the cute blonde woman earlier in the movie where she laments people not helping other people, or the fact that there were some assholes up river that needed killing and Rambo was bored.
We are then treated to about an hour of feel-good carnage. The morals of the movie are so black and white, and the bad guys so one-dimensionally evil, I didn't feel bad cheering on their dismemberment with the rest of the theater. Ah, mob rule... The kills come via .50 machine gun, .50 sniper rifle (wielded by a mercenary bearing an eerie resemblance to Bear Grylls) knives, a large bomb, and of course bow-and-arrow. What is it about these action flicks that calls for bow-and-arrow deaths? (Think Hard Target, Predator, or... Deliverance, I guess.)
If you're in the mood for some nostalgic old-school action, I highly recommend Rambo 2008. Bring your kids so they can see a real American in action. Bring in a bag of nachos and dip them in the dialogue because it is dripping with cheese. Bring your girlfriend because you've been waiting to get revenge on her for making you watch "27 Dresses". This movie was entertaining and had a moral. The moral being: DON'T FUCK WITH RAMBO.
It's tough to review this movie because on the level of "art" and storycraft, we'd be lucky to test at a 3rd grade special-ed level (though it is surprisingly well-shot.) On the visceral level of watching scores of baddies dispatched in the most violent (and manly) ways possible, the movie is in fact rocket science. The "rocket" in question being one fired from one person into another person, blasting them to a million beautiful pieces. Therefore, I give this movie a unprecedented 9.0 and 2.5 out of 10.
Basically, all you need to know is that Rambo is living in Thailand, there are some fascist thugs up river in Burma raping women, killing children, eating non-dolphin safe tuna, and voting Republican (probably). Some do-gooder Christian Missionaries catch a ride on Rambo's boat, but end up getting captured by aforementioned thugs. It's unclear exactly why Rambo decides to go after them after playing reluctant hero for the first section of the movie. It was either due to an exchange with the cute blonde woman earlier in the movie where she laments people not helping other people, or the fact that there were some assholes up river that needed killing and Rambo was bored.
We are then treated to about an hour of feel-good carnage. The morals of the movie are so black and white, and the bad guys so one-dimensionally evil, I didn't feel bad cheering on their dismemberment with the rest of the theater. Ah, mob rule... The kills come via .50 machine gun, .50 sniper rifle (wielded by a mercenary bearing an eerie resemblance to Bear Grylls) knives, a large bomb, and of course bow-and-arrow. What is it about these action flicks that calls for bow-and-arrow deaths? (Think Hard Target, Predator, or... Deliverance, I guess.)
If you're in the mood for some nostalgic old-school action, I highly recommend Rambo 2008. Bring your kids so they can see a real American in action. Bring in a bag of nachos and dip them in the dialogue because it is dripping with cheese. Bring your girlfriend because you've been waiting to get revenge on her for making you watch "27 Dresses". This movie was entertaining and had a moral. The moral being: DON'T FUCK WITH RAMBO.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Seven-Leaf Cloverfield
I have braved the crowds of early audiences and returned with this review of the much anticipated Giant Monster flick "Cloverfield". The people in front of and behind us in line actually came to the theater to see the latest Uwe Boll movie(?) "In the Name of the King", but had exchanged their tickets after surviving its awfulness for a mere 20-minutes, average. Nobody warned them to avoid anything with Uwe Boll's name on it. The whole situation is quite tragic, really. Children could have walked into that auditorium. Thus, I propose implementation of the Uwe Boll scale of movie sucktitude. UB-1 being a shitty movie and UB-5 being either unedited footage of a rhino taking a dump or films actually directed by Uwe Boll.
Oh yeah, I was supposed to review "Cloverfield". On a scale of 1-10, I'll give it a 7. It had some good to absolutely brilliant moments, but I found the ending to be unsatisfactory and there were some elements that kept it from being great. The most glaring of which is that the entire movie is supposed to be edited footage from a camcorder retrieved from "the site formerly known as Central Park". This means headache or stomach turning camerawork, especially on the big screen.
They actually do a good job with the "Blair Witch" cinematography (Better than Blair Witch itself) and it provides for some very cool moments once the FX come in. Unfortunately this style of storytelling seems to sacrifice a lot the longer a movie goes on. Thankfully, the monster is big, but the movie is short (under 1 1/2 hours I think), so they seem to have understood they were pushing the limits of how much hand-held footage an audience is willing or able to sit through.
I think they could have cheated the footage more. It didn't have to be as jerky as it turned out. They could have used a little stabilization and given up some of the "realness". I mean, it's a 350-foot semi-humanoid monster attacking New York and we're already suspending disbelief with the idea that the person holding the camera wouldn't have just chucked it the second it slowed him down. Of course, he could have also used it as a weapon because the camera is apparently made out of fucking Adamantium and the re-forged Sword of the Norse God Odin. I'm serious. The camera was so tough they could have placed it on an RPG, fired it at the monster, and it would have probably killed the damn thing instantly.
Overall: Entertaining movie, possibly better as a rental for people who get motion sickness. Very good acting, with some unconvincing motivations. Cinematography is atrocious at times, with flashes of genius at others. There is a kick-ass song during the closing credits. There are no power rangers or "Zords" in this movie. Most people probably aren't expecting that, but I just wanted to cover all my bases.
Oh yeah, I was supposed to review "Cloverfield". On a scale of 1-10, I'll give it a 7. It had some good to absolutely brilliant moments, but I found the ending to be unsatisfactory and there were some elements that kept it from being great. The most glaring of which is that the entire movie is supposed to be edited footage from a camcorder retrieved from "the site formerly known as Central Park". This means headache or stomach turning camerawork, especially on the big screen.
They actually do a good job with the "Blair Witch" cinematography (Better than Blair Witch itself) and it provides for some very cool moments once the FX come in. Unfortunately this style of storytelling seems to sacrifice a lot the longer a movie goes on. Thankfully, the monster is big, but the movie is short (under 1 1/2 hours I think), so they seem to have understood they were pushing the limits of how much hand-held footage an audience is willing or able to sit through.
I think they could have cheated the footage more. It didn't have to be as jerky as it turned out. They could have used a little stabilization and given up some of the "realness". I mean, it's a 350-foot semi-humanoid monster attacking New York and we're already suspending disbelief with the idea that the person holding the camera wouldn't have just chucked it the second it slowed him down. Of course, he could have also used it as a weapon because the camera is apparently made out of fucking Adamantium and the re-forged Sword of the Norse God Odin. I'm serious. The camera was so tough they could have placed it on an RPG, fired it at the monster, and it would have probably killed the damn thing instantly.
Overall: Entertaining movie, possibly better as a rental for people who get motion sickness. Very good acting, with some unconvincing motivations. Cinematography is atrocious at times, with flashes of genius at others. There is a kick-ass song during the closing credits. There are no power rangers or "Zords" in this movie. Most people probably aren't expecting that, but I just wanted to cover all my bases.
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