Live for nothing, or die for the 80's.

Rambo 2008 is a horrible movie that is completely awesome. It is a throwback to the 1980's low-story, high body-count flicks such as Stallone's own "Cobra" and the masterwork of the genre, "Commando". (Note: AFI did not place Commando on their list of top 100 films of all time, proving they are a terrorist organization run by Communist Nazis who kill whales for fun by shooting baby seals from a cannon at them.)

It's tough to review this movie because on the level of "art" and storycraft, we'd be lucky to test at a 3rd grade special-ed level (though it is surprisingly well-shot.) On the visceral level of watching scores of baddies dispatched in the most violent (and manly) ways possible, the movie is in fact rocket science. The "rocket" in question being one fired from one person into another person, blasting them to a million beautiful pieces. Therefore, I give this movie a unprecedented 9.0 and 2.5 out of 10.

Basically, all you need to know is that Rambo is living in Thailand, there are some fascist thugs up river in Burma raping women, killing children, eating non-dolphin safe tuna, and voting Republican (probably). Some do-gooder Christian Missionaries catch a ride on Rambo's boat, but end up getting captured by aforementioned thugs. It's unclear exactly why Rambo decides to go after them after playing reluctant hero for the first section of the movie. It was either due to an exchange with the cute blonde woman earlier in the movie where she laments people not helping other people, or the fact that there were some assholes up river that needed killing and Rambo was bored.

We are then treated to about an hour of feel-good carnage. The morals of the movie are so black and white, and the bad guys so one-dimensionally evil, I didn't feel bad cheering on their dismemberment with the rest of the theater. Ah, mob rule... The kills come via .50 machine gun, .50 sniper rifle (wielded by a mercenary bearing an eerie resemblance to Bear Grylls) knives, a large bomb, and of course bow-and-arrow. What is it about these action flicks that calls for bow-and-arrow deaths? (Think Hard Target, Predator, or... Deliverance, I guess.)

If you're in the mood for some nostalgic old-school action, I highly recommend Rambo 2008. Bring your kids so they can see a real American in action. Bring in a bag of nachos and dip them in the dialogue because it is dripping with cheese. Bring your girlfriend because you've been waiting to get revenge on her for making you watch "27 Dresses". This movie was entertaining and had a moral. The moral being: DON'T FUCK WITH RAMBO.