I've been thinking about resurrecting this blog. It seems like a perfect time, considering how many things from the past are coming back to prominence of late. The top movies of the previous year were a Mad Max, a Jurassic Park, and a Star Wars, after all...
Also, I'm pretty sure nobody checks up on this anymore, so I'm free to write out my nefarious plots and thoughts with utter impunity and no fear of repercussions. Hear that, mostly ambivalent internet that doesn't know this blog exists?! Doom is at hand.
One more thing. All posts prior to this one are no longer canon.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Friday, September 9, 2011
Greatest Hits, Championship Edition, Episode III
This is a blog I wrote toward the end of 2005 as I was going through my "Random Thought Journal", about an entry written in 2002... Holy shit. A blog, re-hashing a blog about an old journal entry... This is me doing a Christopher Nolan Inception! Er... I mean Impression. I guess...
*******
Dec 23, 2005
My random thought book freaks me out because it seems written by another person entirely.
Safe inside this wood and plaster symbol of the progress of Western Civilization, and all I can think about is the idea that I've been ripped off. I think maybe I died out there a few days after my 18th birthday but I don't know for sure. I'm too lazy to go out and check. If I did, it wouldn't surprise me to find out that my ghost was haunting those beautiful streets. The lights from a thousand office buildings reflecting off the tiny puddles of water. The spent oil leaking out of cars and painting rainbows in a miniature sea, polluted and defiant. A spirit on a plank made from glue and dead trees with my face from an era now disappeared. People evolved this thick skin over the years to keep it out, but I can see him, this person that nobody knew was different. He soaks it in; a tree grasping at the sunset. In these streets, among the trash and the pretty broken glass, is the truth. And he doesn't know if he should die with it, or start lying like everybody else.
3-2-2002
*******
Dec 23, 2005
Green is the new red.
Safe inside this wood and plaster symbol of the progress of Western Civilization, and all I can think about is the idea that I've been ripped off. I think maybe I died out there a few days after my 18th birthday but I don't know for sure. I'm too lazy to go out and check. If I did, it wouldn't surprise me to find out that my ghost was haunting those beautiful streets. The lights from a thousand office buildings reflecting off the tiny puddles of water. The spent oil leaking out of cars and painting rainbows in a miniature sea, polluted and defiant. A spirit on a plank made from glue and dead trees with my face from an era now disappeared. People evolved this thick skin over the years to keep it out, but I can see him, this person that nobody knew was different. He soaks it in; a tree grasping at the sunset. In these streets, among the trash and the pretty broken glass, is the truth. And he doesn't know if he should die with it, or start lying like everybody else.
3-2-2002
Friday, August 26, 2011
Greatest Hits: Championship Edition Episode 2:
Has it really been this long since I wrote the Gymkata review? Sadly, there has been no recent influx of Gymkata related news, so there isn't much to add to this. Enjoy.
----------
Dec 5, 2005
GYMKATA!!!
"The skill of gymnastics... The kill of Karate..."
Movie: Gymkata
Genre: Martial Arts/Action
Greatness Factor: 9.1
My name is Ben, and I am a bad movie addict. I've seen some of the most extremely bad films ever produced and they continue to haunt my dreams to this day. One of these films is "Gymkata". Definitely a top 10 on the list of any bad movie addict like me. One of those movies that is so awful, it is simultaneously completely awesome. If you are brave and daring enough, you may want to consider finding a copy, then sitting down with a bottle of tequila and a revolver to face this monster of a movie.
In case you don't know, the word Gymkata describes the deadly cocktail of martial arts and olympic gymnastics that the main character played by Kurt Thomas (wearing MacGyver's mullet and Luke Skywalker's sweater), uses to defeat his enemies. Much of the training consists of climbing stairs on your hands. If you think that is a stupid idea, you are wrong. Dead wrong.
This movie has everything. An asian princess whose father is inexplicably caucasian, a deadly race with somewhat loose rules, indifferent Ninja referees, 1980's Geopolitical Intrigue, and a 1 on 500 battle with a town of mentally ill people feeling the fury that is Gymkata! There is also a lost father, a token asian martial artist who is killed by a large man named "Thorg" for no apparent reason, and many people being shot with arrows. Top it all off with randomly placed gymnastics equipment for our hero to use in times of trouble and you have one hell of a movie.
As a bonus, in case you are the type who forgets what the setting of a movie is, Gymkata is set in "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea", and believe me, they remind you of that fact enough times for you to never forget it. You see, Karabal will only let foreign nations use their land for military purposes if a representative wins a type of death race. The course is marked by ninjas whose sole purpose in life is to hold a flag up in one arm and occasionally kill people with the deadliest precision.
This movie is so great, I didn't write a full synopsis because it would spoil the greatness. Just go out and rent/buy/steal this movie now. Just don't take my copy or I will go Gymkata on your ass so fast... You will soon learn if you really are a bad movie fan, or just a pretender.
----------
My friend Chad commented:
Oh man, not only will I see that movie, I will learn the time tested art of Gymkata and kick some serious ass! But indifferent ninja referees? Ninjas aren't indifferent at anything. They kill everything with quick and complete silence. They have don't know what indifference is. I should know, being a ninja and all.
----------
Dec 5, 2005
GYMKATA!!!
"The skill of gymnastics... The kill of Karate..."
Movie: Gymkata
Genre: Martial Arts/Action
Greatness Factor: 9.1
My name is Ben, and I am a bad movie addict. I've seen some of the most extremely bad films ever produced and they continue to haunt my dreams to this day. One of these films is "Gymkata". Definitely a top 10 on the list of any bad movie addict like me. One of those movies that is so awful, it is simultaneously completely awesome. If you are brave and daring enough, you may want to consider finding a copy, then sitting down with a bottle of tequila and a revolver to face this monster of a movie.
In case you don't know, the word Gymkata describes the deadly cocktail of martial arts and olympic gymnastics that the main character played by Kurt Thomas (wearing MacGyver's mullet and Luke Skywalker's sweater), uses to defeat his enemies. Much of the training consists of climbing stairs on your hands. If you think that is a stupid idea, you are wrong. Dead wrong.
This movie has everything. An asian princess whose father is inexplicably caucasian, a deadly race with somewhat loose rules, indifferent Ninja referees, 1980's Geopolitical Intrigue, and a 1 on 500 battle with a town of mentally ill people feeling the fury that is Gymkata! There is also a lost father, a token asian martial artist who is killed by a large man named "Thorg" for no apparent reason, and many people being shot with arrows. Top it all off with randomly placed gymnastics equipment for our hero to use in times of trouble and you have one hell of a movie.
As a bonus, in case you are the type who forgets what the setting of a movie is, Gymkata is set in "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea", and believe me, they remind you of that fact enough times for you to never forget it. You see, Karabal will only let foreign nations use their land for military purposes if a representative wins a type of death race. The course is marked by ninjas whose sole purpose in life is to hold a flag up in one arm and occasionally kill people with the deadliest precision.
This movie is so great, I didn't write a full synopsis because it would spoil the greatness. Just go out and rent/buy/steal this movie now. Just don't take my copy or I will go Gymkata on your ass so fast... You will soon learn if you really are a bad movie fan, or just a pretender.
----------
My friend Chad commented:
Oh man, not only will I see that movie, I will learn the time tested art of Gymkata and kick some serious ass! But indifferent ninja referees? Ninjas aren't indifferent at anything. They kill everything with quick and complete silence. They have don't know what indifference is. I should know, being a ninja and all.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Greatest Hits: Championship Edition, Episode 1:
I've decided to start harvesting my old myspace blog for stuff, starting from the oldest up to the point I abandoned that site. Maybe it will help me get motivated to keep this blog updated instead of letting it rust into digital oblivion...
Begin transmission...
Free Flow Aug 31, 2005
*Just a writing exercise. Don't be alarmed, I haven't gone crazy. Goal is to just write for five minutes without stopping to think about what you're saying. Supposedly it brings out weird stuff, like when they did it in the Sixth Sense.*
So this road is the road to everything I have ever wanted and everything I got and threw away. It twists across the plain like a plane piloted by a very sane person imitating a very unaware mad person. The madness that gets into your soul, then gets out because your brain is where it's at. Where the good things lie and the bad things die deaths of heroes. Endless gravestones of all the things we did and killed to keep them from becoming a part of us when they were already quite attached to our lives as little white liars telling fiery tales of the time we almost were what we almost wanted, but never said. We really almost were, but were not quite the same as we would always be. A person is always who they will be at the same time they refuse to change what they don't ever want to see again. That's the way it goes, or so the smart ones say when their lives are handed to them on big, ugly, platters made of beautiful fool's gold that still sparkles like nobody can tell it isn't real. Maybe it is real and nothing else is, or maybe everything is real and we aren't really here at all, but just dreaming the kind of dream you only have when you are awake and bored.
Begin transmission...
Free Flow
*Just a writing exercise. Don't be alarmed, I haven't gone crazy. Goal is to just write for five minutes without stopping to think about what you're saying. Supposedly it brings out weird stuff, like when they did it in the Sixth Sense.*
So this road is the road to everything I have ever wanted and everything I got and threw away. It twists across the plain like a plane piloted by a very sane person imitating a very unaware mad person. The madness that gets into your soul, then gets out because your brain is where it's at. Where the good things lie and the bad things die deaths of heroes. Endless gravestones of all the things we did and killed to keep them from becoming a part of us when they were already quite attached to our lives as little white liars telling fiery tales of the time we almost were what we almost wanted, but never said. We really almost were, but were not quite the same as we would always be. A person is always who they will be at the same time they refuse to change what they don't ever want to see again. That's the way it goes, or so the smart ones say when their lives are handed to them on big, ugly, platters made of beautiful fool's gold that still sparkles like nobody can tell it isn't real. Maybe it is real and nothing else is, or maybe everything is real and we aren't really here at all, but just dreaming the kind of dream you only have when you are awake and bored.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Book Reviews. Because I am quite Learnéd...
...but let's not get carried away. These are both reviews of zombie books. And they're both pretty rad.
Lucky for us red-blooded Americans, Joe Ledger is the manliest lead character I've read in a while. So manly that I picture any movie version would star Gerard Butler if he weren't a fat guy now, and include many extended scenes of gunfire, zombie guts, and loud growling from every character on screen, like an amped-up conversation between Christian Bale and Sam Worthington in Terminator: Salvation. His teammates are basically the 300 Spartans if they were born in modern times and joined the Rainbow 6 team.
To be critical for a moment, the book does get a little "Rah-rah, go USA!!!" at times, and it doesn't exactly make early M. Night Shyamalan plot twists, (though thankfully, it doesn't make current M. Night Shyamalan anything). The love interest is basically Lara Croft. Seriously. She's this hot British chick who leads a rival squad of anti-weird shit commandos and she doesn't like Joe Ledger. Because he's a loose cannon who plays by his own rules? Because she's a woman fighting for respect in a male-dominated group and can't be sexily vulnerable, no matter how much she needs to be sometimes? Maybe. Add on an enigmatic boss who is emotionless and all Cancer-Man like, and you've got yourself an action movie... Er, book.
Actually, Ledger does go beyond the macho 80's movie action caricature at times, coming up with strategies and solving what rudimentary puzzles the supervillains throw his way. It offsets the fact that he's basically an indestructible bad-ass and sometimes the sense of actual danger to the character is comically low. Overall, Patient Zero gets a 7.4 of 10 from me.
Patient Zero
First is Jonathan Maberry's 2009 novel of manliness, "Patient Zero". It follows the exploits of Baltimore cop Joe Ledger as he is recruited by the top secret Department of Military Science and goes on to face a cast of villains that includes mad scientists, Islamic terrorists, and hordes of zombies created by the aforementioned pairing. Their target? The good old US of A of course. And on the 4th or July no less. Oh hell naw.Lucky for us red-blooded Americans, Joe Ledger is the manliest lead character I've read in a while. So manly that I picture any movie version would star Gerard Butler if he weren't a fat guy now, and include many extended scenes of gunfire, zombie guts, and loud growling from every character on screen, like an amped-up conversation between Christian Bale and Sam Worthington in Terminator: Salvation. His teammates are basically the 300 Spartans if they were born in modern times and joined the Rainbow 6 team.
To be critical for a moment, the book does get a little "Rah-rah, go USA!!!" at times, and it doesn't exactly make early M. Night Shyamalan plot twists, (though thankfully, it doesn't make current M. Night Shyamalan anything). The love interest is basically Lara Croft. Seriously. She's this hot British chick who leads a rival squad of anti-weird shit commandos and she doesn't like Joe Ledger. Because he's a loose cannon who plays by his own rules? Because she's a woman fighting for respect in a male-dominated group and can't be sexily vulnerable, no matter how much she needs to be sometimes? Maybe. Add on an enigmatic boss who is emotionless and all Cancer-Man like, and you've got yourself an action movie... Er, book.
Actually, Ledger does go beyond the macho 80's movie action caricature at times, coming up with strategies and solving what rudimentary puzzles the supervillains throw his way. It offsets the fact that he's basically an indestructible bad-ass and sometimes the sense of actual danger to the character is comically low. Overall, Patient Zero gets a 7.4 of 10 from me.
Rise Again
The author of this 2010 book is Ben Tripp, and hopefully it sells well and there's a sequel, because the ending refuses to provide closure. That's as far as I'll go on the spoiler route, but if you don't like stuff that ends with a BIG question mark, you have been forewarned. The story is very "Walking-Dead" like, featuring an alcoholic female Iraq veteran ginger sheriff of a small mountain town who has to survive and help others survive a horde of undead swarming up the mountains from Los Angeles. Coincidentally, the zombie apocalypse in this novel also starts of the 4th of July, making me wonder what it is about that holiday that makes aliens, zombies, and countless other assorted scoundrels hate America so much.
In terms of character and thematic development, Rise Again has a lot more going for it than Patient Zero. Danielle Adelman, the lead character is messed up and gets progressively more messed up as the situation unfolds, and still comes off as a heroic character even if she comes off as a bitch a few times. Though you kind of earn the right to be disagreeable when the storyline tends to throw you under the bus as much as it does to Danny, both literally and figuratively.
All the basic elements of Zombie Apocalypse fiction are present here, from the reluctant leader, the rag-tag survivor groups and individual colorful characters, and run-ins with survivors who are worse than the zombies a la "28 Days Later". You've got the small town sheriff, the gay couple, the Vietnam Vet, and some bikers, occasionally making it feel a little too much like an expanded Left 4 Dead campaign. I did like how Tripp actually addresses the fact that Zombies being walking corpses and all, will start to fall apart after long enough, and I liked some of the big, end-of-the-world imagery, especially when Danny takes a trip to San Francisco in search of her lost sister. Also, the sense that characters you like might actually die is very strong and appropriate for something like this.
The end is a little unsatisfying. It goes a little Mad Max, with tribes wandering the earth and Denzel Washington fighting people with a machete. Actually, that part about Denzel isn't real, but the rest of it is accurate. Mainly, the end is unsatisfying because instead of closing the page on the one overriding question throughout the entire book, it creates a cliffhanger. (This is what happens in a post-Battlestar, post-LOST world, I guess.)
Rise Again gets an 8 out of 10.
In terms of character and thematic development, Rise Again has a lot more going for it than Patient Zero. Danielle Adelman, the lead character is messed up and gets progressively more messed up as the situation unfolds, and still comes off as a heroic character even if she comes off as a bitch a few times. Though you kind of earn the right to be disagreeable when the storyline tends to throw you under the bus as much as it does to Danny, both literally and figuratively.
All the basic elements of Zombie Apocalypse fiction are present here, from the reluctant leader, the rag-tag survivor groups and individual colorful characters, and run-ins with survivors who are worse than the zombies a la "28 Days Later". You've got the small town sheriff, the gay couple, the Vietnam Vet, and some bikers, occasionally making it feel a little too much like an expanded Left 4 Dead campaign. I did like how Tripp actually addresses the fact that Zombies being walking corpses and all, will start to fall apart after long enough, and I liked some of the big, end-of-the-world imagery, especially when Danny takes a trip to San Francisco in search of her lost sister. Also, the sense that characters you like might actually die is very strong and appropriate for something like this.
The end is a little unsatisfying. It goes a little Mad Max, with tribes wandering the earth and Denzel Washington fighting people with a machete. Actually, that part about Denzel isn't real, but the rest of it is accurate. Mainly, the end is unsatisfying because instead of closing the page on the one overriding question throughout the entire book, it creates a cliffhanger. (This is what happens in a post-Battlestar, post-LOST world, I guess.)
Rise Again gets an 8 out of 10.
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