Has it really been this long since I wrote the Gymkata review? Sadly, there has been no recent influx of Gymkata related news, so there isn't much to add to this. Enjoy.
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Dec 5, 2005
GYMKATA!!!
"The skill of gymnastics... The kill of Karate..."
Movie: Gymkata
Genre: Martial Arts/Action
Greatness Factor: 9.1
My name is Ben, and I am a bad movie addict. I've seen some of the most extremely bad films ever produced and they continue to haunt my dreams to this day. One of these films is "Gymkata". Definitely a top 10 on the list of any bad movie addict like me. One of those movies that is so awful, it is simultaneously completely awesome. If you are brave and daring enough, you may want to consider finding a copy, then sitting down with a bottle of tequila and a revolver to face this monster of a movie.
In case you don't know, the word Gymkata describes the deadly cocktail of martial arts and olympic gymnastics that the main character played by Kurt Thomas (wearing MacGyver's mullet and Luke Skywalker's sweater), uses to defeat his enemies. Much of the training consists of climbing stairs on your hands. If you think that is a stupid idea, you are wrong. Dead wrong.
This movie has everything. An asian princess whose father is inexplicably caucasian, a deadly race with somewhat loose rules, indifferent Ninja referees, 1980's Geopolitical Intrigue, and a 1 on 500 battle with a town of mentally ill people feeling the fury that is Gymkata! There is also a lost father, a token asian martial artist who is killed by a large man named "Thorg" for no apparent reason, and many people being shot with arrows. Top it all off with randomly placed gymnastics equipment for our hero to use in times of trouble and you have one hell of a movie.
As a bonus, in case you are the type who forgets what the setting of a movie is, Gymkata is set in "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea", and believe me, they remind you of that fact enough times for you to never forget it. You see, Karabal will only let foreign nations use their land for military purposes if a representative wins a type of death race. The course is marked by ninjas whose sole purpose in life is to hold a flag up in one arm and occasionally kill people with the deadliest precision.
This movie is so great, I didn't write a full synopsis because it would spoil the greatness. Just go out and rent/buy/steal this movie now. Just don't take my copy or I will go Gymkata on your ass so fast... You will soon learn if you really are a bad movie fan, or just a pretender.
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My friend Chad commented:
Oh man, not only will I see that movie, I will learn the time tested art of Gymkata and kick some serious ass! But indifferent ninja referees? Ninjas aren't indifferent at anything. They kill everything with quick and complete silence. They have don't know what indifference is. I should know, being a ninja and all.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Greatest Hits: Championship Edition, Episode 1:
I've decided to start harvesting my old myspace blog for stuff, starting from the oldest up to the point I abandoned that site. Maybe it will help me get motivated to keep this blog updated instead of letting it rust into digital oblivion...
Begin transmission...
Free Flow Aug 31, 2005
*Just a writing exercise. Don't be alarmed, I haven't gone crazy. Goal is to just write for five minutes without stopping to think about what you're saying. Supposedly it brings out weird stuff, like when they did it in the Sixth Sense.*
So this road is the road to everything I have ever wanted and everything I got and threw away. It twists across the plain like a plane piloted by a very sane person imitating a very unaware mad person. The madness that gets into your soul, then gets out because your brain is where it's at. Where the good things lie and the bad things die deaths of heroes. Endless gravestones of all the things we did and killed to keep them from becoming a part of us when they were already quite attached to our lives as little white liars telling fiery tales of the time we almost were what we almost wanted, but never said. We really almost were, but were not quite the same as we would always be. A person is always who they will be at the same time they refuse to change what they don't ever want to see again. That's the way it goes, or so the smart ones say when their lives are handed to them on big, ugly, platters made of beautiful fool's gold that still sparkles like nobody can tell it isn't real. Maybe it is real and nothing else is, or maybe everything is real and we aren't really here at all, but just dreaming the kind of dream you only have when you are awake and bored.
Begin transmission...
Free Flow
*Just a writing exercise. Don't be alarmed, I haven't gone crazy. Goal is to just write for five minutes without stopping to think about what you're saying. Supposedly it brings out weird stuff, like when they did it in the Sixth Sense.*
So this road is the road to everything I have ever wanted and everything I got and threw away. It twists across the plain like a plane piloted by a very sane person imitating a very unaware mad person. The madness that gets into your soul, then gets out because your brain is where it's at. Where the good things lie and the bad things die deaths of heroes. Endless gravestones of all the things we did and killed to keep them from becoming a part of us when they were already quite attached to our lives as little white liars telling fiery tales of the time we almost were what we almost wanted, but never said. We really almost were, but were not quite the same as we would always be. A person is always who they will be at the same time they refuse to change what they don't ever want to see again. That's the way it goes, or so the smart ones say when their lives are handed to them on big, ugly, platters made of beautiful fool's gold that still sparkles like nobody can tell it isn't real. Maybe it is real and nothing else is, or maybe everything is real and we aren't really here at all, but just dreaming the kind of dream you only have when you are awake and bored.
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